This morning, I had several outrageously disproportionate emotional outbursts of loss and grief. Hours later, I would discover that the trigger was merely a miscommunication and not a real circumstance at all, confirming once again, that everything we experience is a reflection of our “inner condition”.
The emotional pressure had been building for days (almost a week) and I was doing my best to “let it flow and go”. I had used every tool I could think of (e.g. my own practice, Reiki healing, systematic relaxation, visualization, reached out to friends, gone to a yoga class, journaled, gave to others, taken Epsom salt bath, attempted just spacing/vegging out, ate sugar (1st time in 75 days which made me sick), buried myself in busy-ness, talk therapy, sat in steam room and a hot tub, etc) BUT in reality all I could do was “hold on”…until finally at 3:45AM, I interpreted a text from my daughter (away at college) that she had let her cat out in the cold overnight “because he was ready”…upon reading this text, grief bellowed and roared out my mouth, my body shook…thoughts raced through my mind “he was going to die, his transition would be needlessly painful and full of suffering, I grieved that he was going to be gone and lost without any celebration of the gifts he had shared with me/us over the past 15 years”. Finally, the waves of grief passed through me and I prayed. I sent him love and light using every Reiki, Tantric and Shamanic symbol and healing mantra I knew to transmit so much power to him and give thanks for all he offered to me. Then cleared, I settled into a lovely practice filled with many inspirations and creative thoughts about my business goals and action steps.
At about 6:30AM, I concluded my practice and decided to cuddle and spend some time with my husband. He also had gotten up early for practice but by the time I came downstairs, he was back resting in bed…we made love, it was nice. Then as I walked into the bathroom to shower, another strong wave of grief and sadness washed over me and I was howling in grief that our “beloved Shadow” was gone [as I write this, the fantastic irony of our cat’s name is NOT lost on me]. Howling in the shower, water and tears mixing down my face.
My husband comes in the bathroom so calm and caring says, “You can take my car to Columbia today and be with Rachel and Shadow so you can help him with the transition”.
I breathe and think to myself, “He seriously doesn’t understand what’s happening”. My mind races (thankfully, my mouth is closed, as I stand sobbing and continuing to wash my hair in the shower), “she left him outside in the cold, he’s already gone besides I can send healing from here, there is no need to go to Columbia…plus, I already did that hours ago”…allowing the thoughts about the cat gave opening to the next wave of intense frustration, targeted at my husband…“why don’t you see this is not really about a cat!”
When he sees no change in my outward expression of grief, he continues rambling explaining that “it won’t cost any gas $ because that is paid for already, it’s a company car…”. He just keeps repeating himself…
My mind hollers at him, “none of this unsolicited advice is practical, and proves how clueless you are to what is energetically happening…”. Finally, finished ranting, my mind, softened from my husband’s desperate and generous attempts to understand and soothe my despair, allows my heart to be touched by his compassion. This touch cracks the drama and my heart just enough to allow my inside smile and a laugh to escape, washing me in a shower of spontaneous gratitude.
By the time I climb out of the shower, I look at my phone and see a message from my daughter, “He came back…love you and I’ll call you later”.
So I sit in wonderment…mentally examining this whole process. What “Shadow” was I grieving for as I thought: “he will die, his transition would be needlessly painful and full of suffering, he is gone and lost without any celebration of the gifts he shared with me/us over the past 15 years”?
Was this loss and grief about:
…the role my husband was playing to mirror, the things I failed to face and embrace about myself?
…my own unexpressed gifts?
Were the prayers, I instinctively sent to my beloved ‘Shadow’ really meant for my benefit (because the sender of a prayer/practice is ALWAYS the first recipient)?
Is all healing, therefore, really only for oneSelf?
Is there actually an ‘inner and outer’?
Past experience informs me that this is how I process deep emotional pain that needs to be released before it starts or further impacts present reality. I acknowledge the truth in that BUT reflect that my usual processing is done alone behind a closed door in my practice room; or alone out in nature, my back resting on the earth; or on the pages of my private journal. However, this particular wave of emotions, apparently needs an audience and an external circumstance to trigger their full release.
Grateful at how open I feel, grateful for the easeful release. Not completely clear on the magnitude of what just happened but do I or anyone really need to understand (I think not) so smiling at the irony of the glimpse that was shared with me…I sit in gratitude for yet another clearing and comfortable to move forward with “my practice”, one step at a time!